i'msobadatsex

Met a gal at the bar (I was bartending), never seen her before.  Got drunk with the patrons, she asked me to call her a cab.  I offered to take her home.  New in town, was living in a shitty little motel.  Invited me in, we started kissing and then she asked, 'Do you have any sexual fantasies?'  I was thinking, 'I'm not telling you that, we just met.' (Actually didn't know her name yet.)  So I deflected the question by saying, 'what did you have in mind?' She says she likes to be tied up.  We have no bondage material or anything even resembling it in this motel room.  When genius struck, 'Aha, I'll tie her up with my clothes.'  So I tie one arm with my t-shirt, the other arm with my spandex biker shorts (underneath my thrashed out jean shorts), and both her ankles with my socks.  So she's naked and writhing on the bed, telling me to get over there, etc.  At this point, drunk, I decide to enjoy the show.  She's naked and has a nice body, so I decide to have a cigarette and watch for a while.  Go to my leather jacket to get my cigarettes (its cold at night), when I grab the jacket it falls on the floor and the knife I had purchased that day falls out of the pocket.  Think nothing of it, pick it up, blade out....  when disaster strikes.  She sees the knife, doesn't know me and commences screaming, 'Don't kill me!  Don't kill me!'  Paper thin motel walls, cops are called and I get to drunkenly explain myself to law enforcement.  Fortunately, I knew most of the cops from working at the bar, so they give me the benefit of the doubt and copious amounts of laughter.  Decided to just give up and go home at this point, but, of course, my battery's dead.  Had to call my dad.  He laughed too.  I'm so bad at sex.

Alright, so I was the guy in high school everyone said would get laid last, and at one point it seemed pretty obvious it was the case, until I met this one girl. It was the summer before grade 12, and drinking was quickly becoming a common thing to do on the weekend. So one night her parents were gone, there was a party at her house, we drank and had fun. Next thing I know she was taking me to the bedroom. I was pretty nervous, and excited. When finally came the time to put it in, the first thought that crossed my drunken mind was "it's so warm!". Then being so worried about how long I'd last, I looked at the clock, 2:51, or something like that. After some time (thinking this is fucking awesome) she turns to me and says "I can't do this." Pushes me off, puts on her clothes and leaves to the bathroom where she cried with her friends. She was still hooked on her ex-boyfriend, and couldn't stop thinking of him while I was on her. I ended up rubbing one out on her bedsheets, your move princess, your move. I'm so bad at sex.

I had been fucked up beyond charity for hours – obediently parading myself from couch to couch in the post apocalyptic wasteland that is the latter hours of Queen’s homecoming. I have no good reason for why I remained brain dead and accepted a lay that was equally unenthused for reasons I had yet to understand, but then I also have no good reason for sharing this with you all. Anyways, her room was as thermal as a meat locker, literally, and we may as well have been lying on a church pew. Foreplay was synonymous with the management of hypothermia and we drunkenly groped and breathed on each other for warmth while my hand sought refuge behind a slippery maxi pad. I basically warmed my hand inside her as though it were a coat pocket but it somehow proved convincing enough that we should have sex. I was on top for about one minute of darkness before she mounted me and fucked with a pendulous hatred so forceful I suspect it was meant to detach our retinas so that we would never have to see each other again. I reciprocated by being more liquor than man, and in a way feeling as though I had been having sex with myself all night, when the opportunity to blow came about  15 seconds later I felt I was long overdue and sang o’l faithful and passed out. Not surprisingly I left at the crack of dawn. It was still so cold I nearly needed a crowbar to pry me out of the fetal position. I walked home with another guy who described the unbelievable night of marathon lovemaking he had experienced while I stared down at a hand caked to the wrist in dry menstrual blood. Oh, and I left my fucking email address – as though I didn’t know well that the despair of that night could fill no less than a million inboxes. I'm so bad at sex.

My girlfriend and I were on a camp out with about 20 of our friends.  After she and I retired to the back of my car for the night, she asked me if I want to have sex.  This was our first time ever doing it, so I put on two condoms in order to numb the sensation and help myself last longer.  After I finished, I realized they had both come off and were inside of her.  She made me "retrieve" them.  I threw them out the door and went to sleep.  We were awoken by 20 people banging on my car, cheering.  The condoms hadn't made it all the way out the door and were hanging from the car, full.  I'm so bad at sex.

I was new to a big city and had been caught in a month and a half drought from any type of sex. It was St. Patty's Day and I was determined to end my sexual slump. As my friends and I were getting throughly sauced at the local well, I had a couple bogies in my sites who were more than drunk enough to sleep with me. After careful consideration, I decided to go with the drunkest and most aggressive canidate (the obvious choice). Upon arriving at her place, I was almost positive my dick would work. 5 minutes into foreplay, it was apparent that wasn't going to be the case. After another 10 minutes of phalashio (editor's note: incredible way of spelling it), my drunken savior decided to say fuck it and toss a condom on my marshmellow peen and do the dirty anyway. To my surprise, it actually got in. In my gittiness, I tried to put some hip thrust into her rythm in an effort to save whatever face I had left. My actions were followed by her remarks of "you're doing it all wrong" and my eventual mysterious climax. After rolling over and passing, I awoke to the sensation of cold, wet sheets. It was 5am, I had pissed her bed and couldn't find my phone. Unfortunately, I couldn't get dressed and duck out before she woke up and saw what I had done. My slump had been broken, but damn I am bad at sex.

I was a sophomore in college, and before classes started my friends and I made a trip to a neighboring university to go party over there.  Much partying was done that night, probably a little TOO much partying.  At the apartment we were hanging out at, there was a big beautiful woman, probably 220-225 lbs., who constantly cheered me on as I drank and drank ("Who's drinks are these?" "YOURS! DRINK!"), jumped off of two story balconies, and other blatant acts of someone being near the point of blacking out.  I was getting tired when I collapsed on a bed, lo and behold it happened to be Miss BBW's bed.  My wingmen were nowhere in sight.  I am pretty sure she was not drunk.  Not really aware of what I was doing, we proceeded to make out, and then I went down on her.  She had a MASSIVE bush, kind of like her own Mini-Me, but all made up of sweaty, stinky pubes.  I was drunkingly all over the place in her vagina, and when I proceeded to whip my penis out when she said she didn't want to have sex.  I whimpered and said, "But I'm a virgin" (true at the time).  She then told me I should wait for someone special and began cuddling with me.  I was too pathetic, even for Miss BBW, to have sex with.  After a while of spooning (she was the big spoon) I went to puke in the toilet and I passed out.  Three hours later my wingmen woke me up and we left to go back to our school.  In the car, as I was still drunk, my uvula swollen as fuck, I wheezed out a breath to the driver and said, "You smell that? Smells like pussy!"Wow, taken advantage of while drunk and turned down for sex from a stinky pube girl.  I am so bad at sex.

I had argued with my girlfriend so went out to get blasted in anger. I was absolutely going for it in a nightclub and bumped into a girl I had been at uni with some three or four years before. So we're drunk, get off and go back to her place.There is no way I am getting it up and trying the old marshmallow in the coin slot challenge for some time, we both give up and go to sleep. In the morning, I wake up with a killer hangover, realise that she's not my finest pull and try to be nice while thinking that I should leave. She is up for it so I try to join in but I am feeling super guilty so cannot get hard. Eventually I achieve a hard-on and she pulls me on top (probably to get it over and done with) so I think I am going to really please her. Two strokes later I come like a crippled donkey and feel mortified. Out of a misplaced sense of politeness I ask for her number, she gives me it and I leave. Turns out to be a Chinese restaurant. I'm bad at many things but I am so bad at sex.

Once I went to visit a friend at his college.  The first night I'm there, after drinking an absurd amount of alcohol, I see a really cute girl from my high school at a house party. We end up leaving my friend at the party and head to her place. One thing leads to another and we start fooling around.  I get hard quick, and start to think about how long it's been since I've blown a load, and how quickly I would therefore expire.  Like the idiot I am, I suggest we go to the bar to get some more drinks thinking that the booze would make me last a bit longer.  We go, have a few beers, and dance all around the bar.  When we finally get back to her place, we resume our heated activities.  Needless to say I was way too drunk and couldn't get hard for shit.  To make matters worse, I didn't acknowledge this fact; and because I was so wasted, I asked for a condom.  After failing to fit not one but two different condoms onto my limp dick, I uttered "why don't we just finish this tomorrow morning?" The girl laughed and put her underwear back on.  I woke up with the fattest boner and a set of blue balls to match.  I never got laid because I'm so bad at sex.

A few months ago I was hooking  up with a girl while insanely inebriated, like  I'm talking five-alarm fucked. I had ingested, to quote Hunter S, "a whole galaxy of  uppers, downers, laughers, screamers," the only logical course of action was sex at this point. The problem was I literally had no idea how do it, I couldn't remember. My first problem was finding my penis, it had shriveled away into a prunish nub due to my dehydration, I  found the little critter and we (said critter and girl) started going at it. It was probably the blood rushing to my head and the drugs flushing my system clean of anything rational, but  I was starting to see things. The second problem came when the girl appeared to have four vaginas, I was seeing quadruple, I was able to get my wits about me enough to understand that this wasn't some four vagined-land monster, no, I was the monster. But I had to pick a vagina to stick it into, I felt like I was on some twisted Japanese game show, where picking the wrong hole would spell certain doom. I closed my eyes, prayed to whatever deity covers these sorts of dilemmas and hoped for the best. Bad decision, she slapped me and kicked me out of her apartment, to this day I don't know where I stuck my penis, I can only hope the next time I see her at the bar she isn't wearing an eye-patch. I'm so bad at drugs, I'm so bad at sex.

Before college, I had only ever had sex with my girlfriend. We had both lost our virginity to each other. Because of this, she was always very tight and it took a good deal of foreplay and taking it slow or it was too painful. During the first month of my freshmen year, I brought home a girl and we started hooking up. Eventually we stripped down and I put on a condom and started having sex. But we didn't have to spend five minutes easing me in the beginning. Unfortunately, I was kind of drunk and I was so excited when it happened that I yelled out "hey, it slid right in!" I'm so bad at sex.